Catch and Release

Back when I was younger, I kept my heart under 24/7 lock down.  Nobody was going to hurt me!  Not surprisingly, by shutting everything down, I stayed closed off to giving and receiving love.  I also had a lot of heart palpitations and irregular heart beats throughout my life.  About 5 years ago I was put on beta blockers because my heart symptoms were so frequent and disturbing.  Then, one magical day, on a hike to a sacred place of mine, I prayed to Spirit to “remove the shield from my heart.”  At the time, it was a ‘throw away’ prayer, something I casually tossed out.  I just said the words at the last minute, before I hiked back down the mountain.  However, I came down from the hike and haven’t been on heart meds since.  True story.  There have been heart palpitations, but now when I experience them, I get quiet and ask my heart what it’s trying to say.  What do I need to pay attention to?  Every time, it’s been related to something emotional that’s happening in my life that needs attending to.  The heart is an amazing barometer of the emotional body.  Pay attention to it!

Hanuman in Rishikesh, India

Hanuman in Rishikesh, India

These days, I can’t open my heart fast enough.  I feel like the picture of Hanuman, and I’m ripping open my own chest, saying “Here God, let me help you!”

I found a book – or rather it found me – The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer.  I have no idea why I reached for it at the bookstore, I think I liked the color blue and the horse…and something about the word “untethered.”

buy this book

buy this book

The book is small – digestible for me, and easy to read.  It talks about living with an open heart, it gives directions on how to do this, it’s a PLAN (I love a plan!) on how to keep your heart open and what to do when you feel your heart closing.  As soon as one becomes willing – conscious – to witness the energy shifts of their heart, they can be aware of a tendency to close the heart.  The book breaks down the theory of energy centers – especially the heart center – using scientific terms within a yogic context.  And did I mention it’s easy to read?!  Really.

All of this resonates for me and makes sense.  It’s like reading things I already “know” on some level, but having it in this simple format has really clicked for me.  I have been spending my past few days in my open heart, watching the tendency to shut down and close up when I experience an emotional trigger.  So far, it’s been pretty easy and even fun.  Until today.  Today I got “blind sided” by an interaction with someone.  It triggered all my stuff – my “good enough” stuff, my “scarcity” stuff, my “alone” story, etc.  I could literally feel my energy body wanting to spin out and keep all my stories alive.  It was all I could do NOT to fan the flames in my head.  Instead I went and danced for an hour.  But like a tongue poking a sore tooth, even with the book, and my meditation practice, and the physical exercise and conscious breathing in the heart, I still had to check several times on my stuff to see if was still there (it was.)

Tonight, after a long day, I am feeling more at peace.  I am feeling more ‘free’ – truly.  I have successfully stayed in an uncomfortable place and kept my heart open.  I’ve felt some pain and fear and have passed through some fire.  Having the feelings of fear or insecurity don’t make me pure or impure.  The trick is not getting drawn into that energy, and to simply relax and release as the energy appears.  “And no matter how many times you’re pulled, that’s how many times you relax and release.  Your opportunites to grow are endless.”

You will get to a point in your growth where you understand that if you protect yourself, you will never be free.

Michael A. Singer.

In this beautiful song by Nirinjan Kaur, Aud Guray, she is singing the words “Protect Me, Open my Heart, and I’ll be Free.”  I like to think she is giving her will over to Source, God, Spirit, and saying please protect me (so I don’t have to!) and open my heart and in doing this, I will be free.  A’Ho!

About Roxanna Smith

Exploring the world of living, loving and grieving with an open heart.
This entry was posted in Change, Faith, Growth, India, Love, Meditation, Open Heart, Spirit, Truth, Vulnerability and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Catch and Release

  1. barbaratapella says:

    Great! Loved reading this and being there with you

  2. Roxanna, Very powerful description of how quickly “the stuff” come to the surface. It called to mind immediately my own experiences. Imagine how many illnesses could be healed by conscious living, an intentional self awareness. Hope today offers you more peace. I am headed over to amazon to buy Singer’s book.

  3. redbeetlove says:

    The Untethered Soul is currently on my bedside table. I just went through an exercise of reading a passage and then journaling about it. Very powerful………..thanks for the wonderfully insightful share.

  4. Loved this courageous, truthful & insightful blog. It always amazes me that the “stuff” is still there when we have done so much work & have so many tools, but it is the softening and excepting that shows us we’ve come along way. I too plan to pick up that book, sounds great. Thanks~

  5. Lee says:

    Dear Roxanna,
    When I see your posts, I think, oh goody, I get to hear from my cousin.
    Thank you for sending and giving this. From my heart to yours, I’m sending openess, trust and continued peace.
    I love you,
    Lee

  6. I am finishing The Untethered Soul right now, too. I tried to dive into it a few years back, but it wasn’t happening. Now, it is like a big yes! me too! Sending love to you on the path, old friend.

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