Bearing the Beams of Love

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And we are put on this earth a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love. -William Blake

 I work with people with broken hearts.  I am deeply touched by their stories, their tears, their longing.  I am also touched by their resiliency and bravery; to seek support and be willing to share with strangers.  I am heartened by the comfort these group members take from connecting with each other.  It reminds me how much we humans are social creatures longing for connection.

What drives us to keep going?  For me, it is the most basic and yet profound human experience I can describe:  connecting from the heart with others.  Love.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

They say we have star particles inside of us.  It’s true.  Look it up.  I think this is as magic as it gets.  I like to imagine that I used to be a star, before I came into this body.   In my fantasy, I peek down on planet earth and I see people living their lives.  Tucking their babies close to their hearts, right under their chins, breathing them in.  Getting licked by their dogs and succumbing to their joyful, unconditional expressions of love.  I see lovers, breathing, bodies moving, sensual awareness and electricity.   Watch friends sharing a smile, no need for words.  I admire a body running fast along a trail, legs pumping and lungs bursting.  I would want that, as a star.  To experience humanness.  To BE.

“Sign me up!” I shout.  “I want to feel!  I want to touch.  I want to love!

But…the Universe answers…’In this full tilt, multifaceted life, there are ups and downs.  Not every day is filled with laughter and joy.  There is hardship and strife.  Do you still want this?’  “Yes I do!” I exclaim without a second thought.  “See ya!” and off I go without a backward glance.  That is so me.

But that is just a fairy tale.  And here I am.  Alive.  On Earth.  And some days life feels excrutiatingly painful.  My dog dies.  My lover betrays.  My baby grows up and pulls away.  My friendships end.  A relative takes his life. There are bills to pay.  My body hurts when I run.

What do I do when life feels unbearable?  I Isolate.  Cry.  Pray.  Reach out.  In that order.

I reached a very low point several weeks ago.  I felt alone and out of choices.  I was scared.  I cried and prayed.  Then I got up off my knees and I made a couple phone calls.  To some “lifeline” friends.  I wrote to my community and asked for daily texts through the month of October and people started signing up.  Every day I would get a message of love and support on my phone.  Some people sent inspirational poems.  In just a few short weeks, I started to feel better.  Uplifted even.  I felt the loving connection of human contact and was filled with gratitude for the people in my life.

They say there are no accidents in life.  The ongoing grief support group I had agreed to facilitate started during that time.  I got to sit with people who where struggling with their grief; to witness people who loved so deeply that their hearts were broken when their person died.  Being of service added meaning and depth to my life and I felt on purpose again.  I am humbled and amazed at both the tenderness and ferocity of love.  And the tenacious courage we humans – made of skin, blood, water and bone – access again and again to continue loving.  Even when it breaks us.

Since I started letting people know about the online suicide support group that begins next Monday, I have been contacted almost daily by people who are suffering, sometimes years after their loved one’s death.  Each person has held their grief tenderly in their hands and I have held out my hands to hold it with them for awhile.  Not wanting to move too quickly or speak suddenly, wanting to keep the reverence of this moment.  Being allowed to hear these sacred stories has been my honor.

Humans have a deep need to belong – to each other, to someone, to a group, to a purpose.  After a traumatic loss like suicide, people tend to lose their bearings for a time.  Who am I?  What’s next?  How do I keep going?  What’s the point?  are all questions that can come up.  Gratitude can feel impossibly elusive.  The main focus of the Suicide Loss Support Group is to connect people to each other.  To share our stories and to learn to bear the beams of love – together.

Please share this information with anyone you think could be served by having a supportive community to belong to:

Suicide Loss Support Group:  Losing a loved one to suicide can be extremly shocking and sad.  There can also be shame or societal stigma associated with this type of loss.  In this group, you will be connected with others who have each experienced this particular type of loss and have the opportunity to share your story with each other.  This is a six week support group that meets online once a week.  The group is open to 8 participants who have lost a loved one to suicide.  Each week we will begin with an exercise (breath work, guided relaxation) to open the group.  Everyone will have an opportunity to check-in with the group and share.  There will also be topics for discussion and materials emailed weekly.  There is no “homework” for this group, only handouts that are optional and ideally helpful.  Cost for this group is $180 and includes 6 weekly group sessions and weekly materials that will be emailed to each participant.  A pre-group screening call is required.  To arrange a phone call, please contact me.

Dates and time:  Mondays; 11/21, 11/28, 12/5, 12/12, 12/19 & 12/26  6:00 – 7:30pm MST Time

Location:  Your comfiest chair, wifi is required.

About Roxanna Smith

Exploring the world of living, loving and grieving with an open heart.
This entry was posted in Death and Dying, grief, Suicide, Support Group and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Bearing the Beams of Love

  1. Barbara Tapella says:

    Beautiful. You express yourself in a style that is so clear and draws me in. So wonderful to read you are Honored that people share those very tender moments….

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