Tag: life

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What’s Working (when everything seems broken)

Greetings from my apartment.  Tomorrow will begin week 5 of sheltering in place.  By myself.  I would never, ever have thought I could be alone for 4 weeks without going insane.  What I “counted on” in life has either completely ended or radically changed.  Between the news of the world, concerns for my family and community, and getting laid off, I’m processing A LOT!  Falling back on my grief counseling experience, I am able to remind myself that it’s normal to feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

Here in no particular order are a list of things that seem to be “working” for me – as in they bring me comfort, help keep me sane, elicit gratitude and even joy.  Some of them are contradictory, and some things that work today may not work tomorrow.  I’m sharing these with you with the hope that they may help, or you might laugh and see yourself in these.  And also, I’ve been home, alone for 4 weeks, and I’m tired of talking to myself.

What’s Working:

  • Getting outside every day, taking a walk
  • Not hating myself if I don’t get outside every day and take a walk
  • Smelling spring flowers (jasmine, hyacinth, daffodils = aroma therapy)
  • Finally hanging up the hummingbird feeder gift I got for Christmas
  • Watching the hummingbirds drink from the feeder, live TV
  • Looking for things to be grateful for right as I wake up, reciting them
  • Going for long bike rides
  • Praying for all the people suffering in the world
  • Ton Glen breathing/meditation technique
  • Getting into bed early (like 8pm)
  • Zoom calls
  • Limiting my Zoom calls
  • FaceTime with my mom, staying in “close contact” with her
  • Texting with my kids
  • Checking in daily with a few friends
  • Not beating myself up about my messy desk or laundry pile
  • Laughing at COVID19 memes
  • Hula hooping to dance music
  • Yoga at home and with my Santa Cruz gang on Zoom
  • Thank God for Zoom!
  • Facebook!  Seriously, so beautiful to be able to connect to humans virtually
  • Instagram (see above)
  • Reaching out to old friends (great college roommate zoom hangout the other day!)
  • Dancing in the living room, shaking it
  • Lighting Shabbat candles every Friday night
  • Crying
  • Virtual Seder (so sweet – next year Jerusalem!)
  • Bollywood films on Amazon Prime and Netflix
  • Amazon Prime and Netflix in general
  • Watching short, light, shows due to zero attention span
  • Not judging my TV choices
  • Getting up in the morning and making my bed, so I don’t get back in it at 9am
  • Establishing “order” by keeping the house clean, doing the dishes
  • Cooking delicious and thoughtful meals for myself
  • Freezing the leftovers
  • Being kind when I am not able to maintain the “order” of the house
  • Eating my greens!
  • Taking Bach flower remedy “Star of Bethlehem” for grief and shock
  • Reading stories on Zoom to preschoolers, seeing their faces every day, laughing
  • Checking in on my neighbors (2 lovely women on either side of me, both in their 80’s)
  • Finding out that PG&E reduced my energy bill to $8 this month
Wild Kingdom outside my window
My walking path
Makes me laugh
Shabbat Shalom
Mmmmmmm
My pal
Cooking for 1
Virtual Seder

What’s Not Working:

  • No attention span for all the offerings (free or paid) on FB and Zoom
  • Really hard for me to meditate right now
  • Can only read a few pages at a time of books (see short attention span)
  • Long Zoom calls (short attention span again, overload)
  • Pep talks on how this is a perfect time to become awesome
  • Missing physical contact with people and animals (missing having a dog!)
  • Missing human contact in general
  • Wishing I could swim (all pools are closed)
  • Grieving all the fun things I had planned that have been canceled.  (I had A LOT of things I was looking forward to)
  • Keeping fruits and veggies fresh (eating them before they go bad)
  • Wondering where/when I will ever be able to buy T.P. again, WTH America?
  • Not sleeping very well at night (lots of thoughts between 2 – 4am)
  • Looking at the FB Group “View From My Window” and comparing my view to everyone else’s

 

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Intentional Travel

BoatManMorning

It was a thrill to be interviewed on Melanie Scott’s podcast: “Intentional Conversations” about the transformational potency of traveling in India. Click HERE to hear the full conversation.   In our 48 minutes together, we share our love of India and travel as well as reminisce about our two trips to India together and some of our favorite experiences in this magical country.

In India, one can experience the gamut: giddy laughter, loving kindness from strangers, heart connection, unexpected friendships, communion with cows, encounters with monkeys, blaring horns, sublime sunsets.

And for those of you who can’t listen to the whole interview, the take away is that India has a way of showing us who we are, deep inside, and bringing us home to our selves.  It is a heart-opening experience to travel to India.  I hope you will join me this November for Enlightened Tours’ Journey to India, 2019.

Enlightened Tours has curated an experience that delivers daily opportunities to connect deeply to your Self and others; giving you plenty of time to nurture and restore with yoga, meditation and Ayurveda. Group activities as well as time on the Ganges, swimming in waterfalls, hiking in the foothills of the Himalayas. Satsang with living saints. Stillness.

Join me!

 

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When there are no words…

BeTheLight
The Light Surrounds Us

“The best work is done with either the heart broken or overflowing.”  Mignon McGlaughlin

A favorite quote of mine.  Sometimes the heart can be both broken and overflowing.

This past weekend was beautiful in California.  All the winter rain has brought spring flowers, blossoming trees and the most life-affirming color of green everywhere!  In the grasses, the leaves, the hillsides.

This past weekend was also my daughter’s 20th birthday.  On April 20th.  Which also happens to be the 20th anniversary of the Columbine shootings.  I remember calling my father in Denver to tell him he had a granddaughter (his first grandchild) and he said “Thank God something good happened today.” He then told me the tragic news that had happened in Colorado.  In the United States.  Right on this phone call, our hearts breaking and overflowing.

15 years later, living in Boulder, the baby now a teenager.  She was cutting her body.  Depressed.  Questioning life.  5 years ago today, I woke my daughter up at 5:30am and told her that we were getting on a plane.  We flew to Durango and 2 wholesome looking strangers walked up to us and took my daughter away.  (Staff from the Wilderness program her father and I had chosen.)  I never exited the airport, just got on the next flight back to Denver.

Yesterday I got a text from a friend:  “Call me when you can.”  My first thoughts were ‘who died?’ and ‘who has cancer?’.  The news:  A friend’s son had taken his life.  A howling black hole of wordlessness.  Tears.

All I could do is cry and play this Mantra.  Chattr Chakkr Vartee by Aykanna.  It is a mantra used to remove fear, anxiety and phobias.  It is a mantra to lift one out of despair.  “Chattr Chakkr Vartee is the mantra for the heart center, it gives direct energy to it. When you are sinking, if you know this mantra and can sing it, you can totally recuperate yourself.” — Yogi Bhajan

Meditation class last night – I’m leading a group for some of the parents of the preschool I work at.  Sweet, young parents of sweet, young children.  It’s all about being in the now, practicing presence.  I wondered how much to share at check-in.  I decided to tell the group what I was sitting with – talking about heart ache.  About child loss and parent grief.  Appreciating the ‘ALL’ of life.  Celebrating that both of my kids have bumped along in adolescence and for right now, just for today, they are both in such sweet places in their lives.  Heart overflowing with love for both of them.  It was a beautiful group, with tears, kindness and connection.  Heart overflowing with love for these sweet, earnest parents, and their worries and their struggles.

I taught them a Buddhist meditation, that my dear friend Sue taught me many years ago.  It’s my ‘go-to’ when there are no words.  When I don’t know what to do, or say.

Tonglen Meditation

“Tonglen is one of the richest and bravest practices that we can do.  This is one of the great meditation jewels that offers a way us to cultivate our natural mercy.”  –Joan Halifax

The practice of Tonglen, or Giving and Receiving, is done to develop our compassion and our ability to be present for our own suffering and the suffering of others.  Pema Chodron teaches that Tonglen is a practice of  “sending and taking,” an ancient Buddhist practice to awaken compassion.  With each in-breath, we take in others’ pain.  With each exhale, we send them relief.  I like to think of myself as a being of light, composting the darkness.  Breathing in the sorrow, transforming it and exhaling out love.  

Get still, close your eyes, feel free to place your hands on your heart.  Inhale through the nose and breathe in any painful emotion that may be coming up for you (shame, anger, rage, fear, anxiety, frustration, judgement).  Stay neutral to the emotions, just breathe them in and allow them to be.  On the exhale through the nose, release these emotions and cultivate acceptance and compassion for yourself.  Allow the emotions to release through you and surround yourself with an energy of unconditional love.  

 

Note:  My daughter gave me permission to write and post this.

 

 

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Tuning In in India

In India, I experience the gamut: giddy laughter, loving kindness from strangers, heart connection, unexpected friendships, communion with cows, encounters with monkeys, blaring horns, sublime sunsets.

What I don’t think I have conveyed is the journey within to deep stillness – the Gift of Presence – that has been my India.

Words really don’t do India justice, and I have a hard time putting some of my deepest emotions to words, so I have attached a short 90 second video of some very sacred moments that are forever dear to me.

The soundtrack is me “tuning in” with the Adi Mantra. Something we do at the beginning of every kundalini yoga class and meditation. I was chanting this mantra in the early hours of morning, when it’s still dark and the winds come roaring down the foothills of the Himalayas. I was tucked into a blanket and let the familiar chant ground me and connect me to the Golden Chain of my teachers, and connect me to my yoga mat. To my heart beat. If you listen carefully you can hear thumps and bumps in the background. They are monkeys having a morning romp before the warm midday sun makes them heavy lidded and lethargic.

I’ll be traveling back to this country, to this yoga hall, to one of my soul homes, in just a few short months. There are spots for 2 more people if you would like to join me.

We have curated a tour that delivers daily opportunities to connect deeply to your Self, to nurture and restore with yoga, meditation and Ayurveda. Time on the Ganges, swimming in waterfalls, hiking in the foothills of the Himalayas. Satsang with living saints. Stillness.

If you feel the call, contact me. I’m here to walk you through the details. Step by step.

Namaste,

Roxanna

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What to Do?

 

Roxanna Promo 4

Every day I wake up and read the New York Times on my phone.  I read the California edition.  Almost every day there are stories about the housing crisis in this state; the rising cost of homes and people living on the streets.  Today the news has stories of fires burning and evacuations.  And I am reading with a broken heart about the families that are separated at our border – the children in cages, the mom’s in jail, fleeing violence in their countries, hoping for a better life.  Taking that chance.  It is almost more than my brain and heart can process.

I see friends on Facebook imploring others not to go to sleep.  Stay outraged!  I agree.  Let us not turn our backs on humanity and go numb.  At the same time, let us not beat ourselves up if we cannot be on the front lines.  Look into your heart and ask yourself what can you do right now?  Are you able to write a check?  Can you make phone calls to your senators?  Are you able to sit in meditation and offer positive energy to those that suffer?  Can you be extra loving and kind to the people in your life?  Can you take impeccable care of yourself so that you have energy and resources when  you get called to action?  I donate.  I pray.  I sign petitions.  I teach preschool.  I try to facilitate and support concepts of love and kindness.

This conversation is taken verbatim from an interaction I witnessed last week.  It happened between 2 boys, one age 4 and one age 5, after feelings were hurt and they were having a conversation using the “Peace Flower” which is kind of like a talking stick, only it’s a talking .  It went like this:

Boy age 4:  (while holding the peace flower)  I wish I could wun as fast as you.  (hands peace flower to other boy)

Boy age 5:  Well, I run fast because I practice at home.  Maybe if you practice you can get faster.  (hands peace flower back to 4 year old)

Boy age 4:  But, but, but…I wun and fall and you keep going.  I want to be fast like you.

Me:  Does it hurt your feelings when your friend runs fast and you can’t catch up?

Boy age 4:  Yes.  (hands peace flower to other boy)

Boy age 5:  I bet you will get faster when you practice.  I have a good idea! Let’s be on the same team and run together at the same time!  (holds out peace flower and they both hold the stem and say in unison:  Friends.  And run off to play.  Except Boy age 4 says “Fwends”)  Peace on the playground has been restored.

I was relaying this story to a friend yesterday and we were laughing at how sweetly transparent children can be.  They have all the emotions that adults have but the feelings move transparently across their faces like clouds blowing across a wide open sky.  No place to hide.  Every day there are tears, laughter, shouts of glee, angry scowls, hugs.

When I have hurt feelings, I do my best to hide it and stew for a few weeks – er…awhile and then become full of dread and eventually have a conversation with the person.  Usually the conversation goes well and we are both relieved afterwards.  Wouldn’t it be great if I could handle it immediately and we could both hold the peace flower for a few moments and then skip off happily?

Every day I go to work wondering what the day will bring.  The work is so dynamic!   There is no template for an “average” day.  Working with children is a constant invitation to stay present – to keep my heart open, not look at my phone (which is tucked away in a cabinet for the entire day), literally get on my knees, make eye contact, speak kindly, be of service, be loving and gentle, hold boundaries, rub backs, give hugs.  It’s like spiritual boot camp 😉  Truly.  These little gurus are ninjas at testing limits/boundaries.  If I take it personally, I’m a goner.  They are also human love bombs who offer affection and acceptance freely and often.  You’d think a rock star was arriving some days when I arrive – all the faces and arms waving at the window “Roxanna!  Roxanna!”  Sometimes I have to use the back door so I don’t start a riot and disrupt the class.  Haha.

I am grateful to the Universe for bringing me to this present moment, this job, this life, these kids.  Being a preschool teacher stretches me in myriad ways while simultaneously nourishing me and feeding my heart.  As GuruGanesha Band sings in their song, Troubled Times:

In this troubled time we look to find the way.  To heal our world, heal our hearts.   In our confusion when we don’t know what to do, can we live for each other?  Come Together For Each Other.

 

 

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Good Vibe Tribe

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“I love your Welcome Packet, but what is the actual ‘Vibe’ of this trip?”  the latest registrant of Enlightened India asked.

What a great opportunity for me to stop and think about how to answer this question.  How to best describe this journey to India I’m co-leading this November? It isn’t just a yoga trip. It isn’t a typical “group” tour, rolling up to sacred sites in a giant bus. It’s not a self-help retreat… those are all the things this trip is NOT.

I had a great conversation with my business partner and co-lead Julia, talking about what this trip IS.  Together, we came up with several words that we think speak to our trip’s vibe.  Here are a few:

Spacious – To truly be present, so far away from everything familiar.  To experience internal spaciousness.  10 days of self-exploration, with free time built into each day for deeper diving.

Loving – Julia and I are holding a loving container for our group.  From the moment your feet touch Indian soil, you will be warmly welcomed and lovingly held.   From the gentle morning meditation to the good night golden milk & cookies, each day has been thoughtfully planned with your sweetest Unfolding at heart.

Fun – So many special and wonderful things are being planned. Including Diwali in India – which is, in itself, a festive occasion filled with fireworks, treats and gifts. Many magical moments await you! Julia and I can hardly contain ourselves but we want to save some surprises!

Unique & Exclusive – Throughout our years of travel in India, we have been able to hand pick our favorite vendors, guides and experiences.  This trip incorporates the very best of who and what we love the most in India, and mixes in our own special offerings for a very special experience you won’t get with anyone else!

Stretch – Not only will you be stretching your body and having that opportunity twice a day with gentle yoga and Hatha flow, but you the individual will be stretched personally and spiritually.   Julia and I both remember what it was like to travel to India for the first time and we will be there holding that loving container to support you and make sure it doesn’t feel too overwhelming.

Flow – The Ganges River (Mata Ganga) reminds us to stay in the flow, stay present, and stay reverent to what IS.  You will have plenty of reminders not to become overly attached to outcomes, but to stay in the flow and enjoy your journey. India is the perfect teacher for this. We will have many beautiful ceremonies on (and in!) this most sacred river.

Connection – A group of men and women come together for 10 days in India, and through a series of shared exercises and experiences, we form a Tribe.  Together we co-create a supportive community that shares laughter and tears, personal triumphs and incredible adventures. Each one of you brings your own flavor to this group masala and we value your unique contribution to our community.

Self-Love Affair – India has a beautiful way of stripping away who we think we are and reminding ourselves what is actually at our core. Julia and I hold the intention that you will re-member aspects of yourself.  There will be a special ceremony held for reflection and appreciation for each group member.  We want you to return from this trip completely in love with yourself.

Something very special awaits you, I would love to have you join us!

Register HERE.
“Take the adventure, heed the call, now ere the irrevocable moment passes! ‘Tis but a banging of the door behind you, a blithesome step forward, and you are out of your old life and into the new!” – Kenneth Grahame

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On Being a Woman

WomenFly

On Being a Woman

On this day, March 8th, International Women’s Day, I give thanks for being a woman. For navigating this country, this culture, as a woman. I am a strong, independent, tall, intelligent woman and it isn’t always easy or pretty to navigate in a predominantly man’s world. In fact, it can be a DRAG sometimes. But what lifts me UP are the WOMEN in my life. I love you. I see you.

For my Grandmother I bow at your feet.  You are softness and grace.  For my Mother I lay my head on your belly.  You are infinite and deep.  For my Daughter, I hold my arms wide.  You are sensitivity and grit – and so much more. You gave me the gift of experiencing unconditional love.

For my Sisters I give thanks.  You are Shakti and Mountain. I am inspired and awed by you! You keep on keepin’ on 24/7.  You are the ones, We are the ones, the Sisterhood.  You are all so beautiful.  Your reverence for beauty, for ceremony, for love, for children, for passion and sex, for life, for healing, for shining your lights and the commitment to be seen and heard.  Reminding each other of our gifts when we lose the way or forget. Powerful.

For gluten free, dairy free, sugar free and STILL making it delicious and nutritious and nourishing.  You SHINE with the undying light of your spirit.  Your kindness humbles.  Your wicked humor shocks and delights.  Your energy is palpable.

For the artists, the writers, the students, the moms, the divorced and still married – navigating, negotiating the FREE wild horses of you.  The solid rocks of you, the grieving of you.  The busy of you, tending, caring, giving generously – carrying me, loving me.  Claiming me.  Re-membering me, saving my place.  Crying with me, adorning me, laughing with me. Kissing my throat.   I humbly say thank you.

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Thank YOU!

thanksAgain

My turn!  2017 has been quite a year and I wouldn’t be where I am today without all of you cheering me on (literally!) and sharing your love and kindness with me.  When I didn’t know how I was going to pull off Road School 2017, family, friends and strangers donated money and offered support and love throughout our journey.  When I needed to raise $2300 in order to walk in San Diego for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day breast cancer walk, you gave.  When I was terrified to do my first Sprint Triathlon last month,  your love and encouragement got me through!  There are so many people who have lifted me up and shared their love and light with me.  I am forever changed and I know I am blessed to have you in my life.

Now I would like to give something to you:

This December, I am showing my gratitude for my community of family, friends and generous supporters, and to everyone that could use some sweet reminders to slow down and stay present during the busy month of December.  I want to help you bump up your Self Care, and encourage you to give yourself extra love and support during this holiday season.

My Gratitude Giveback is an invitation for you to turn inwards, to your soul sanctuary, and create a conscious, caring respite space for yourself during this often busy month.

Each week will focus on a different theme:

  • BODY BASICS   (as in ‘duh’ I knew this already, but sometimes we forget!)
  • LETS GET PHYSICAL   (I like to move it move it)
  • NOURISH THE SOUL   (don’t forget your beautiful soul)
  • PRESENCE vs. PRESENTS   (be here now)
You will be guided through each theme with weekly meditations, journal prompts, live Q & A conversations on Facebook, tips and tools for maximizing self care, and a resource list to support you if you would like to go deeper.
When all our reptilian instincts are telling us to stay in and hibernate, our culture is inviting us to “Eat, Drink & Be Merry.”  When the days are getting shorter and it feels good to snuggle up to a fire and a good book, society is giving us the messages to go out every night and celebrate until sunrise, shop till you drop, and eat and drink all the things that you spend the rest of the year avoiding because they aren’t healthy.  This can also be a lonely time for folks who watch the Hallmark holiday movies and compare themselves to the picture perfect lives on the screen.
I know things get busy at this time of year and the intention of this offering is to help make December more easeful, nurturing, and meaningful.  You can join on the first of the month or the last day of the month, all the material is FREE and offered from the heart.  It is my joy to share this with you all!  The only thing I need from you to keep you in the loop is your email address.
Ready to Receive?  Click here to join!
Wishing you all much love and light this December,
Roxanna
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Road School 2017 – Home Sweet Home
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Marin Sprint Triathlon
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Crossing the finish line with Barbara
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Welcome Home

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All my life I’ve been traveling.  I was born in Maine and at one and a half, moved to Beirut, Lebanon.  Another country, another culture, another climate.  At four, in the middle of winter, my mother and I left the Meditteranean and moved to Hanover, New Hampshire, newly divorced in the late 60’s.  At eight, my mother re-married and we moved to Oberlin, OH where academia coexisted with rural poverty and racial tensions of the early 70’s.  After two years, we moved to Lake Forest, IL,  listed in the “Preppie Handbook” as one of the 10 preppiest towns in the United States.  I moved from place to place feeling like an alien.  This is a pattern that has repeated itself my entire life.  Always moving, trying on the new customs, reinventing myself.

One of the things I have always loved about traveling to India is the feeling that I am so far from anything familiar that it forces me to let go of any outward identity my ego may cling to to define myself:  parent, wife, hospice volunteer, runner, home owner, etc.  The only thing I have in India is the over-arching requirement to stay present.

I read somewhere that gold fish grow to the size of their bowl.  If they’re swimming around in a tiny glass, they will stay that size, if they’re put in an aquarium, they will grow larger.  The Bay Area is a much bigger fish bowl than the the one I’ve been living in.    And I feel…free.  I feel anonymous.  I feel alive with possibility.

The past several days have been jam-packed with moving and arriving and storing and unpacking.  It’s been exhausting.  Yesterday was the first day I had a glimpse of the ocean.  I forced myself to drive in afternoon traffic and when I got out of the car, the wind whipped my hat off.  I stood at the shore, turned off my music and consciously welcomed myself home.  In that moment, I knew that this land isn’t home.  I know it’s cliche, but still I want to share.  I am home.  I am my home.  Wherever I choose to go,  I will always be home.

That said, I also had the realization (for ME) that 16 years is too long to yearn to be somewhere else.  I feel a peaceful joy to be back, this multi-cultured holy land where I am both completely unknown and deeply loved.

My kids are having some last adventures with family this month and in September we will all meet up and take my daughter to college and then Harlan and I will begin Road School 2017 for the fall semester.  Just like a blank canvas can inspire the painter, the open road calls to my soul – it always has. To quote John O’Donohue, in his poem The Traveler,  I look forward to “the invitations which wait along the way to transform” me, mile by mile.

 

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Divinely Human

DivineHuman

I’m not sure if it was the rainy day today that made me even more dreamy than usual or just the seemingly random events that occurred this morning.  I read a woman’s post on Facebook that said she remembered her birth, that there were bright lights flashing in her face as she entered the world.  I thought about this (and her) for most of the morning.  Marveling that somebody remembers her own birth.  I believe her.  It’s just that I don’t think there are many people that remember their own births.

I’ve been tripping out on that more and more.  How special each one of us is…and how really getting to know somebody (for me anyway) is like learning a new language.  Sometimes like becoming an expert in a whole new species, surrendering preconceived notions and judgements.

***

I am driving on the road, past where the body of a young raccoon has been decomposing for a couple of days.  I can smell it.  But today I see another raccoon, a big one, dead on the other side of the road.  “Oh no!” I exclaim.  I wonder if they’re related, was this the already decomposing one’s Mama?  My heart sinks as I touch my heart.

I have a vivid memory of riding  in the backseat of my grandparents car.  We passed a dead dog on the side of the highway.  I was shocked to see it.  I didn’t realize that this could happen.  That dogs could get hit by cars and their bodies could lie by the side of the road, cars whizzing by.  I spent the rest of the ride in silence, deeply saddened.  That was a gray day too.

***

Early this morning the phone rang and I didn’t recognize the number but I answered it anyway.  I rarely do that.  “Is this the Grief Support Network?” he asks.  “Well…not exactly”,  I answer.  Yes and no.  The hotline still transfers over to my cell phone even though I haven’t worked there in 6 months.  They don’t know how to fix it.

I start to go into a rambling explanation but then stop myself and ask if he is looking for support (sometimes it’s a sales person.)  He is.  He tells me what’s going on and I listen.  He explains to me that he has plummed the inky depths and also connected to his brightest divine nature.  “I can tell you get it,” he says.  And I do.  I am sitting at my computer in the darkness, having an intimate conversation with a “stranger”.

***

The older I get, the more I feel that each one of us speaks our own language and to really listen to somebody, to really get somebody, takes a certain amount of amazement and awe in humanity in general.  What delicate and finely-tuned creatures we all are;  senstive, unique, miraculous energy bodies that communicate on so many deep and subtle levels.   Right now, for me, this is the best show in town.  Peace and Love.

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