This picture makes me happy – I’ve got my sparkly, Free People dress on. My favorite color is turquoise and my scarf makes me look like I’m flying, and it’s 4th of July (one of my most favorite days*) and I’m at the beach!
In Santa Cruz!
So I don’t usually use the word ‘aint’ but it just fits. I was looking through my journal from the past year. I am noticing that my journal is a much better resource than it used to be. I am more discerning about what I write. I write down my dreams and prayers more than the daily minutiae. It’s satisfying when I see progress (forward movement) on some of my desires. For example, last year, I hadn’t completed any hospice training and this year, I volunteer for two local hospice organizations.
In a journal entry from last February, 2012, I wrote: “At Lili’s School of Rock show there was a little girl who was singing the lead in one of the songs. She seemed wooden and stone faced. The little girl in me was dying to grab her mic and belt it out. I wanted to be the rock star! All my life! And I heard a voice in my head saying “This isn’t a dress rehearsal.” And I got it. I want to LIVE as if THIS is my LIFE and I’m the STAR and we’re rolling film right NOW! What would look different?”
Ok, it’s a little embarrassing to share my journal, and yes, I did write all of that and use CAPS for emphasis and all those exclamation points!!! And I do want to qualify that I don’t really want to be a rock star, I just want to star in my own life. I want to show up and live each day like it’s not a dress rehearsal. I know that could sound corny…but here’s the thing…
When you are around people who are dying, especially young people in their 40’s who have lovers and young children, and exciting career possibilities, you start to think about life and the impermanence of it. The preciousness of it. When Lance died, one of the messages I got was that I never, ever wanted the people in my life to wonder if I loved them. I wanted to live each day loving my people and letting them know it. I also want to celebrate life and hold the knowledge that it doesn’t last forever. I asked myself in my journal “What would look different?” which is a really juicy question to ask oneself. What would look different? The things I can think of right now are I would live by the ocean, I would have a BLUE BUS all tricked out to explore the Golden State of California, I would swim with dolphins more, I would travel in a gypsy caravan of women and children all over the world, dancing, singing, drumming, praying, laughing, loving. What about you?
*I always spent it with my grandparents in Narrangansett, Rhode Island, at the beach, with no alcoholic parents to mess it up.